December 25, 2012: Merry Christmas--Happy to be here!

I am privileged to be here, to have my family, friends, neighbours, colleagues and medical community.  I am privileged to be ABLE to work, enjoy Christmas with my family and dream of the future.

Thank you and Merry Christmas.

Here's to a NEW Year:)

Carmela

November 22nd and 23rd 2012: Anniversary, Time, The Hardest Part and Silver Linings….

November 22^nd and 23^rd 2012: Time, The Hardest Part and Silver Linings….

November 23^rd, 2011: Anniversary – last day of work before long term leave.

On the eve of my return to work at TELUS, I realize that it is exactly one year ago (November 23, 2011) that I worked my last day before the whirlwind of surgery, recovery, chemo, infections and radiation began.

This year, instead of preparing to go into surgery on November 24^th, I will be going into my first department team meeting with a team that is ready to welcome me back into the fold.  I am blessed, fortunate, honored to still be part TELUS and part of this new team (TELUS Corporate Real Estate) that I joined in May of 2011 before this bend in the road.  I especially thank Geoff, Julie, Susan, Shelley and the TELUS CRE and Connections teams for shouldering my load for this past year and keeping a spot for me.

The past year seems so surreal, but necessary now.  Although I often felt like I was living someone else’s life with the cards that had been dealt to me, I realize through so many serendipitous events and revelations that, in some crazy way, this was all meant to happen and meant for me.  The title of this Blog was very deliberate as I wanted to continue to believe in the positive side of this journey.  I did not want to feel like I was sentenced to “Being Careful for What I Wished For”, but instead that I was “Getting What I Wished For”.  The list of the wishes that I realized during this year is long and some are not easily definable or even realized yet.  I believe that this year and everything before it will continue to manifest into so many positive future wishes. No matter what we all believe in or what our spiritual foundations are, I believe that life does happen for a reason and things in our life happen and unfold with purpose – we just may not know or understand the timing and reason for the events as they unfold before us.  Although, I have peppered this Blog with examples of Getting What I Was Wishing For, there are a few key things that I know I was wishing for overtly or subtly:

·         Being at peace with whatever comes to me and my family

·         Mindfully living in the present as much as possible to enjoy what IS happening, not just what MIGHT happen (this is a tall order for the Project Manager and planner in me:o))

·         Refreshing my marriage

·         Refreshing my career

·         Having TIME for my boys

·         Having TIME for my family

·         Having TIME for my friends

·         Having TIME for my neighbors

·         Having TIME for my colleagues on a more personal level

There are three events during this year that may have seemed sublte but now seem to represent the serendipitous undercurrent to this year and the experiences I have gone through.

The first event revolved around the notion of time.  Ironically, shortly after my leave started last year, the batteries of both my watches (work watch and fitness watch) had died.  I had not felt the need to replace the batteries to give new life to the watches as time did, in fact, seem to stand still for me at that moment in my life.  As I have been preparing mentally and physically to return to work, I had the feeling that it was time to replace those batteries and have time start again both literally and figuratively. Now I will give my time to my colleagues, TELUS, and my profession in thanks for everyone shouldering the load for me this past year.

The second event manifested in two variations of a recurring dream I have had in the past.  These two variations occurred as bookends – one soon into this journey and one near the end.  I have often told Todd about a dream where I go through agonizing efforts to get to on a plane to Italy, but cannot seem to get there for various and changing reasons (forgot my passport, got to the airport too late, etc, etc, etc).  The first variation I had on this dream was shortly after I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer where I was at the airport moving towards the gate where the check-in and airplane would be.  The dream started out very positive as I felt that I had plenty of time, no issues with baggage and everything I needed to get on the plane.  As I travelled through what I thought was the airport, I was joined peripherally by two people that seemed be part of my previous team (my previous role was not a high point in my career).  As I continued to move down corridors with the team members present is some form, the baggage that I thought was manageable become more and more unwieldy.  I was aware that if I did not get a handle on the baggage, that I would again, miss my flight.  After what seemed to be hours of trying to manage this baggage problem and becoming more and more anxious that I would miss my flight, I finally got to the gate in what I thought was just in time to get on the plane.  What happened next left me disturbed for months until the second variation of the dream occurred relatively recently (which I will explain next).  As I entered the area where you would normally check in and then proceed to the plane, there was no one there.  No matter where I turned, there was no one there.  I decided to move into the corridor in the direction where the plane would be, but it was black and no one around.  After what seemed to be a very long time and continuing to search for people and light, the dream ended…

Recently, I experienced the second variation of the dream.  This time, the dream proceeded as previously before my diagnosis where I had a strong sense of the goal of catching a flight to Italy.  This time, there seemed to be light, people and activity at the airport.  While the flight to Italy was not the focal point in this dream, I did seem to get to Italy and I experience being in Italy and walking through what probably was my home town and home province in Italy.  There was no real magic to the experience, other than I was there and I seemed to be there for quite a while.  For those who do not know, I was born in Italy…   I will leave it to you to infer what the possible meanings of these two dreams may be, however, I can say for certain that my spirits are much higher having had this second dream… Life continues….

The third event/action was around my obsession around tying up loose ends as I was off work.  The initial drive was to list out all the things that I normally did not have time to do around the house, with family, friends, etc and personal goals that I thought I could achieve while I was off and doable based on the status of my health through the treatment plan.  I had a vision of tying up as many loose ends as possible before I returned to work (again always the project manager/planner and besides I like getting things done for the sense of accomplishment and moving onto the next thing!).  While I did, in fact, complete many things on my list, I realized that not all things would get done.  I had many moments of panic around this as I felt that I was not being efficient and I was fretted about what would happen if I did not get to them before I went back to work (or worse).  As time went on many things became less important, many things got done in a fluid manner and some things manifested into more meaningful actions than the ones I anticipated (eg. Replacing the kitchen faucet has manifested into the renovation of our kitchen to a dream kitchen that both Todd and are working on together in a joyous way as partners;  Todd was invited to Spain for conference after a number of years of rebranding his skills; the boys are happy and generally content because I am around, etc, etc, etc.).  .  Some of the things I have accomplished:

·         Completed and started more than 5 key projects around the house

·         Crocheted 14 projects (mostly blankets for friends and family

·         Visited friends that I don’t always get a chance to visit

·         Organized, participated and supported events to give back to Breast Cancer and Cancer research and awareness

·         Gave myself permission and time to focus on mindfulness, rehabilitation to prepare for a renewed life of fitness and improvements to my diet and the diet of my family

·         Helped my Mom through her cancer journey

·         Got through chemo, infections and radiation

All these things have fed my need to accomplish and finish things so that I can move on, however, as some things could not be finished, I have achieved a kind of peace with this as having “loose ends” to look forward to completing helps keep me motivated for future possibilities and keeps me away from darker thoughts.  So the crocheted artwork that I started that was meant to incorporate many loose ends of wool together is on the shelf for now as I want to keep some loose ends unfinished for the time being and maybe for always.  Not everything is better finished with a perfect bow on it.

So on this eve of returning work and normal life I have a sense of excitement for new beginnings, starting over, a kind of rebirth, fresh start, second chance, renewal and Getting Back to the Start (yes lyrics to another Coldplay song – the Scientist).  The words from the Lord of the Rings saga also resonate:

There and back again a Hobbit’s Tale aka a Breast Cancer Tale by Carmela Thomson-Cancerbabe:o)

THE HARDEST PART:

One song that has been beating in my mind this whole year is the “Hardest Part” by (of course) Coldplay:

The Hardest Part lyrics

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the cloudsOh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

Remember…

There is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS a silver lining and …. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS something to be thankful for.

Carmela

PS I will give you a rundown of Post Chemo experiences and the hair thing on the next post.

A Love Story....

I was going to try to write something meaningful, deep and detailed about the support and renewed love and caring Todd has given me through (and I hope that we are giving each other) through this experience. However, I find, as I re-read some of my posts, that the love story is peppered subtly and sometimes overtly in the entries.  I will leave it to you to piece the story together.  We should all be so lucky to have an opportunity to rebuild bridges and divides previously damaged or severed on purpose, by accident or through neglect while managing the pressures of living.  It would be more pleasant and less painful to accomplish this under less dire circumstances, however, I will take it no matter how it had to come about.  In a crazy and poetically appropriate way, I believe Todd and I are coming away with what we both have needed for some time to rekindle joy and strength to our marriage as we started out 23 years ago.  Everything feels, smells and sounds so much better now that the worst seems to be over and much better than some of the darker times prior to diagnosis. I choose to believe that we will be much better for this experience –together and as individuals.

By the way, love stories do not always come in shiny new packages with pretty words, romantic dates, clear lines or have a clear being or end.  Sometimes the best love story is underneath the warts, the difficult discussions and the hurt. They write themselves over time and in hindsight.  We just need to open our heart, mind and eyes to see them as they are unfolding, even when it may be one of the most difficult things to you do.

Todd, thank you for your strength and love. Here’s to our new beginning….

October 22, 2012: My Story - The Facts and The Stats

Why did I do all this?....

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Details about Breast Cancer Stages:

Taken From:

http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/diagnosis/staging#stage2

Stages of Breast Cancer

Page last modified on 09/17/2012 10:56 PM

Stage is usually expressed as a number on a scale of 0 through IV — with stage 0 describing non-invasive cancers that remain within their original location and stage IV describing invasive cancers that have spread outside the breast to other parts of the body.

• Stage 0
• Stage I
• Stage II
• Stage III
• Stage IV
• TNM staging system

Understanding Breast Cancer Stages

Your pathology report will include information about the stage of the breast cancer — that is, whether it is limited to one area in the breast, or it has spread to healthy tissues inside the breast or to other parts of the body. Your doctor will begin to determine this during surgery to remove the cancer and look at one or more of the underarm lymph nodes, which is where breast cancer tends to travel first. He or she also may order additional blood tests or imaging tests if there is reason to believe the cancer might have spread beyond the breast.

Cancer stage is based on four characteristics:

• the size of the cancer
• whether the cancer is invasive or non-invasive
• whether cancer is in the lymph nodes
• whether the cancer has spread to other parts of the body beyond the breast

You also may see or hear certain words used to describe the stage of the breast cancer:

• Local: The cancer is confined within the breast.
• Regional: The lymph nodes, primarily those in the armpit, are involved.
• Distant: The cancer is found in other parts of the body as well.

Sometimes doctors use the term “locally advanced” or “regionally advanced” to refer to large tumors that involve the breast skin, underlying chest structures, changes to the breast's shape, and lymph node enlargement that is visible or that your doctor can feel during an exam.

The stage of the breast cancer can help you and your doctor understand your prognosis (the most likely outcome of the disease) and make decisions about treatment, along with all of the other results in your pathology report. Cancer stage also gives everyone a common way to describe the breast cancer, so that the results of your treatment can be compared and understood relative to that of other people.

Your doctor may use another staging system known as TNM to describe the cancer. This system is based on the size of the tumor (T), lymph node involvement (N), and whether the cancer has spread, or metastasized, to other parts of the body (M). TNM is discussed later in this section.

Stage 0

Stage 0 is used to describe non-invasive breast cancers, such as DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ). In stage 0, there is no evidence of cancer cells or non-cancerous abnormal cells breaking out of the part of the breast in which they started, or getting through to or invading neighboring normal tissue.

Stage I

Stage I describes invasive breast cancer (cancer cells are breaking through to or invading normal surrounding breast tissue) Stage I is divided into subcategories known as IA and IB.

Stage IA describes invasive breast cancer in which:

• the tumor measures up to 2 cm AND
• the cancer has not spread outside the breast; no lymph nodes are involved

Stage IB describes invasive breast cancer in which:

• there is no tumor in the breast; instead, small groups of cancer cells – larger than 0.2 millimeter but not larger than 2 millimeters – are found in the lymph nodes, OR
• there is a tumor in the breast that is no larger than 2 centimeters, and there are small groups of cancer cells – larger than 0.2 millimeter but not larger than 2 millimeters – in the lymph nodes.

Microscopic invasion is possible in stage I breast cancer. In microscopic invasion, the cancer cells have just started to invade the tissue outside the lining of the duct or lobule, but the invading cancer cells can't measure more than 1 mm.

Stage II

Stage II is divided into subcategories known as IIA and IIB.

Stage IIA describes invasive breast cancer in which:

• no tumor can be found in the breast, but cancer cells are found in the lymph nodes under the arm (axillary) OR
• the tumor measures 2 cm or smaller and has spread to the axillary lymph nodes OR
• the tumor is larger than 2 cm but not larger than 5 cm and has not spread to the axillary lymph nodes

Stage IIB describes invasive breast cancer in which:

• the tumor is larger than 2 cm but no larger than 5 cm and has spread to the axillary lymph nodes OR
• the tumor is larger than 5 cm but has not spread to the axillary lymph nodes

Stage III

Stage III is divided into subcategories known as IIIA, IIIB, and IIIC.

Stage IIIA describes invasive breast cancer in which either:

• no tumor is found, but cancer is found in axillary lymph nodes, which are clumped together or sticking to other structures, or cancer may have spread to lymph nodes near the breastbone OR
• the cancer is any size and has spread to axillary lymph nodes, which are clumped together or sticking to other structures

Stage IIIB describes invasive breast cancer in which:

• the cancer may be any size and has spread to the chest wall and/or skin of the breast AND
• may have spread to axillary lymph nodes, which are clumped together or sticking to other structures, or cancer may have spread to lymph nodes near the breastbone

Inflammatory breast cancer is considered at least stage IIIB. Typical features of inflammatory breast cancer include:

• reddening of a large portion of the breast skin
• the breast feels warm and may be swollen
• cancer cells have spread to the lymph nodes and may be found in the skin

Stage IIIC describes invasive breast cancer in which:

• there may be no sign of cancer in the breast or, if there is a tumor, it may be any size and may have spread to the chest wall and/or the skin of the breast AND
• the cancer has spread to lymph nodes above or below the collarbone AND
• the cancer may have spread to axillary lymph nodes or to lymph nodes near the breastbone

Stage IV

Stage IV describes invasive breast cancer that has spread beyond the breast and nearby lymph nodes to other organs of the body, such as the lungs, distant lymph nodes, skin, bones, liver, or brain.

You may hear the words “advanced” and “metastatic” used to describe stage IV breast cancer. Cancer may be stage IV at first diagnosis or it can be a recurrence of a previous breast cancer that has spread to other parts of the body.

Learn about what treatments you can generally expect according to cancer stage in the Options by Cancer Stage section in Planning Your Treatment.

TNM staging system

TNM (Tumor, Node, Metastasis) is another staging system researchers use to provide more details about how the cancer looks and behaves. Your doctor might mention the TNM classification for your case, but he or she is much more likely to use the numerical staging system. Sometimes clinical trials require TNM information from participants, so talk to your doctor if you are considering participation in a clinical trial.

The TNM system is based on three characteristics:

• size (T stands for tumor)
• lymph node involvement (N stands for node)
• whether the cancer has metastasized (M stands for metastasis), or moved beyond the breast to other parts of the body.

The T (size) category describes the original (primary) tumor:

• TX means the tumor can't be measured or found.
• T0 means there isn't any evidence of the primary tumor.
• Tis means the cancer is "in situ" (the tumor has not started growing into healthy breast tissue).
• T1, T2, T3, T4: These numbers are based on the size of the tumor and the extent to which it has grown into neighboring breast tissue. The higher the T number, the larger the tumor and/or the more it may have grown into the breast tissue.

The N (lymph node involvement) category describes whether or not the cancer has reached nearby lymph nodes:

• NX means the nearby lymph nodes can't be measured or found.
• N0 means nearby lymph nodes do not contain cancer.
• N1, N2, N3: These numbers are based on the number of lymph nodes involved and how much cancer is found in them. The higher the N number, the greater the extent of the lymph node involvement.

The M (metastasis) category tells whether or not there is evidence that the cancer has traveled to other parts of the body:

• MX means metastasis can't be measured or found.
• M0 means there is no distant metastasis.
• M1 means that distant metastasis is present.

Once the pathologist knows your T, N, and M characteristics, he or she can use them to assign a stage to the cancer. For example, a T1 N0 M0 breast cancer would mean that the primary breast tumor is less than 2 centimeters across (T1), has not involved the lymph nodes (N0), and has not spread to distant parts of the body (M0). This cancer would be grouped as stage I.

For more detailed information on the TNM staging system and how it relates to the numerical stage, visit the American Cancer Society’s section on breast cancer staging.

October 17, 2012: Milestone - End of Radiation

October 17, 2012: End of Radiation

My radiation experience has ended after 28 treatments that started on September 7, 2012.  In retrospect, I was more anxious about this treatment than I needed to be based on how well I tolerated radiation.  The expectation was relatively high that I would experience skin reactions including an intense sunburnt look and feeling, potential skin lesions, skin/muscle tightening and fatigue.  Remarkably, my skin seemed unscathed up until the last week or so and even at that, it was not tremendously impacted.  I also did not feel overly tired and fatigued other than the fact that my sleep continues to be interrupted due to menopausal symptoms more so than anything else.  I kept asking the Radiation Technicians (of which there were many, I only remember a few of the names, but they were ALL really pleasant and competent) if they were giving me placebo treatments based on how good it all seemed to be going.

Here is a visual of the machine that was used for CT simulation to prepare the radiation treatment and then used to administer the treatments:

The worst parts of this treatment was: the long sessions during the first week where I needed to be fitted to a mould for my arms to rest in above my head while lying down; trying not to cough while I was getting over a cold; worrying that they might radiate my heart and lungs in error (I kinda want these two babies for the rest of my life:o)); driving to Surrey (Surry Memorial Hospital) and back every working day for 28 days; finding parking in the ridiculously narrow and limited number of parking stalls; AND giving up my life for 2 or more hours every day for this treatment.

By the time the final day came, I was on cloud nine.  To commemorate the day, I gave a box of chocolates for the Radiation staff to share and as a thank you.  I gave a big hug to the two Radiation technicians that were treating me that day.  I changed out of my lovely blue patient gowns, through them into the hospital laundry bin. 

And then I walked out the door…..

The Radiation Technicians and others asked how I was going to celebrate this milestone, but really, walking out the door of the BC Cancer Agency that day and knowing I was going to be able start regaining my days and rebuilding my life was celebration enough.  I called Todd before I left the parking lot and gave him a big Whoawho in his ear because he deserved to feel the relief with me.

Here’s to my renewed life!!!

October 6, 2012: Anniversary

October 6, 2011 - Lumpectomy: coincided with the birthday of niece Jacqueline and the day after my Dad's birthday (October 5th).

September 26, 2012: Anniversary

One year since my diagnosis was confirmed by Dr. C.  It was a tough day for her and for us, but we are all doing so much better now!  I see a bright future....