What planet am I on anyway …

What planet am I on anyway …

If you indulge me a bit of darkness, I promise to end with something positive.

Ok, Ok, Ok, so it’s not all perfume and roses and I am not in a constant positive state – so shoot me, I’m human.  And while I might be human, I don’t always know what planet I am on these days.  On what planet can it be that both my Mom and I can both go from being pretty healthy human beings to having to succumb to a variety of pretty invasive procedures and drugs?  On what planet would I have to put my family and everyone around me through this shit?  I can wake up most days and feel lucky to have some the best care and support possible, but there are those few days (and really they are few) where this whole “joy ride” is absolutely surreal and insufferable.  I can be telling someone about my progress and how things are going, about how my Mom is doing but feel like I am speaking out of body – like who’s life am I describing anyway?

After all, was it not only a few months back that I had finally left behind and put behind me one of the most challenging periods of my career and personal life?  Was I not finally back at a good state of physical fitness and moving to even better places of mental and physical well being?  Was my career not back on track with renewed and positive support – the positive trajectory that I have been capable of a number of other times in my career? Was I not living my desire to give back to my female peers and starting down the path to giving back to my community?  Was I not getting my personal life and emotions back in order to a place where there was renewed joy, love and understanding?  Was I not getting better at being there for my boys, my family and my friends?

Fuck it, this is not the planet I was destined to be on.

I am pretty sick of my Gollum-like/holocaust/a-sexual cancer look these days (no offence to my fellow cancer buddies as I am generally proud to mostly be a positive and strong visual role model, but this is after all a venting).  I am sick of being deformed, disfigured and uncomfortable due to the breast surgery.  I am pissed that I will need to have to watch and manage the lymphatic flow in my left arm for the rest of my life now that I am less 17 lymph nodes– the last two weeks have brought some renewed numbness and inflammation in my upper arm and underarm that has me uncomfortable and worried about Lymphedema and other complications.  Shit, after a number of years of personal re-hab, I was finally able to take the challenge of boot camp, running for long lengths of time and a bunch of other heavier/regular physical activity prior to this. Now I have to balance working my arm and not carrying anything too heavy or getting an infection through a bite or wound on my left arm FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE to mitigate getting Lymphedema and potential infections/complications that can come with it!!!  Add to this my chemical-induced menopause, all the “flashing” and other interesting side effects that go with it.  To boot I have gained the 10 or so pounds that I feverishly lost over the last few years – I know I will lose the weight again, but this Groundhog Day stuff really sucks! I feel sooo sexy – NOT!

I am just TIRED, this whole thing takes so fucking long.  Who the hell would want to keep thinking and talking about this month after month – I certainly don’t want to. I feel lately that this cancer shit is so part of me that it just blends into everything I do and everyone’s thought process around me.  I really hate this.  I am tired and generally fatigued by this whole thing.  I am sure this is fatiguing for everyone around me as well.

While so many positives have come my way I just want to decouple myself from this cancer black cloud and move on.  Besides, 95% of my brain knows that I don’t have cancer anymore, however, the chemical and other invasive procedures are not over yet – damn it!  Unfortunately, there is 5% of my brain that is scared shitless that I will need to manage other side effects ongoing, the cancer could come back or my life may be cut short without being able to fulfill the basics and more with my boys. 

Such is the planet of Cancer and its demon friends, not the planet I believed I was living in.

Now back to our normally positive and regularly scheduled program….

Whether you like it or not, at least I have this blog to chronicle my road and to vent from time to time.  Very therapeutic I must say. 

While I am human, I do know a thing or two about how to manage change and I also know that I am not immune to the change cycle and the proverbial “well(s) of despair”.  What I also know is that there is always a bright and often euphoric light after these darker times.  To suppress, ignore or bypass these stages is folly, but to over indulge or succumb to these darker moments is much worse. I don’t stay in this dark space for any length of time on any given day, but the thoughts and feelings do linger in the background.  While the saying may be cliché, “What doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger”!

Again, with a little help from friends, I am and will continue to be alright.

Thanks for the brief indulgence into the “dark side”.

PS: My apologies for the colorful superlatives that I don’t usually include in my musings.