November 22nd and 23rd 2012: Anniversary, Time, The Hardest Part and Silver Linings….

November 22^nd and 23^rd 2012: Time, The Hardest Part and Silver Linings….

November 23^rd, 2011: Anniversary – last day of work before long term leave.

On the eve of my return to work at TELUS, I realize that it is exactly one year ago (November 23, 2011) that I worked my last day before the whirlwind of surgery, recovery, chemo, infections and radiation began.

This year, instead of preparing to go into surgery on November 24^th, I will be going into my first department team meeting with a team that is ready to welcome me back into the fold.  I am blessed, fortunate, honored to still be part TELUS and part of this new team (TELUS Corporate Real Estate) that I joined in May of 2011 before this bend in the road.  I especially thank Geoff, Julie, Susan, Shelley and the TELUS CRE and Connections teams for shouldering my load for this past year and keeping a spot for me.

The past year seems so surreal, but necessary now.  Although I often felt like I was living someone else’s life with the cards that had been dealt to me, I realize through so many serendipitous events and revelations that, in some crazy way, this was all meant to happen and meant for me.  The title of this Blog was very deliberate as I wanted to continue to believe in the positive side of this journey.  I did not want to feel like I was sentenced to “Being Careful for What I Wished For”, but instead that I was “Getting What I Wished For”.  The list of the wishes that I realized during this year is long and some are not easily definable or even realized yet.  I believe that this year and everything before it will continue to manifest into so many positive future wishes. No matter what we all believe in or what our spiritual foundations are, I believe that life does happen for a reason and things in our life happen and unfold with purpose – we just may not know or understand the timing and reason for the events as they unfold before us.  Although, I have peppered this Blog with examples of Getting What I Was Wishing For, there are a few key things that I know I was wishing for overtly or subtly:

·         Being at peace with whatever comes to me and my family

·         Mindfully living in the present as much as possible to enjoy what IS happening, not just what MIGHT happen (this is a tall order for the Project Manager and planner in me:o))

·         Refreshing my marriage

·         Refreshing my career

·         Having TIME for my boys

·         Having TIME for my family

·         Having TIME for my friends

·         Having TIME for my neighbors

·         Having TIME for my colleagues on a more personal level

There are three events during this year that may have seemed sublte but now seem to represent the serendipitous undercurrent to this year and the experiences I have gone through.

The first event revolved around the notion of time.  Ironically, shortly after my leave started last year, the batteries of both my watches (work watch and fitness watch) had died.  I had not felt the need to replace the batteries to give new life to the watches as time did, in fact, seem to stand still for me at that moment in my life.  As I have been preparing mentally and physically to return to work, I had the feeling that it was time to replace those batteries and have time start again both literally and figuratively. Now I will give my time to my colleagues, TELUS, and my profession in thanks for everyone shouldering the load for me this past year.

The second event manifested in two variations of a recurring dream I have had in the past.  These two variations occurred as bookends – one soon into this journey and one near the end.  I have often told Todd about a dream where I go through agonizing efforts to get to on a plane to Italy, but cannot seem to get there for various and changing reasons (forgot my passport, got to the airport too late, etc, etc, etc).  The first variation I had on this dream was shortly after I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer where I was at the airport moving towards the gate where the check-in and airplane would be.  The dream started out very positive as I felt that I had plenty of time, no issues with baggage and everything I needed to get on the plane.  As I travelled through what I thought was the airport, I was joined peripherally by two people that seemed be part of my previous team (my previous role was not a high point in my career).  As I continued to move down corridors with the team members present is some form, the baggage that I thought was manageable become more and more unwieldy.  I was aware that if I did not get a handle on the baggage, that I would again, miss my flight.  After what seemed to be hours of trying to manage this baggage problem and becoming more and more anxious that I would miss my flight, I finally got to the gate in what I thought was just in time to get on the plane.  What happened next left me disturbed for months until the second variation of the dream occurred relatively recently (which I will explain next).  As I entered the area where you would normally check in and then proceed to the plane, there was no one there.  No matter where I turned, there was no one there.  I decided to move into the corridor in the direction where the plane would be, but it was black and no one around.  After what seemed to be a very long time and continuing to search for people and light, the dream ended…

Recently, I experienced the second variation of the dream.  This time, the dream proceeded as previously before my diagnosis where I had a strong sense of the goal of catching a flight to Italy.  This time, there seemed to be light, people and activity at the airport.  While the flight to Italy was not the focal point in this dream, I did seem to get to Italy and I experience being in Italy and walking through what probably was my home town and home province in Italy.  There was no real magic to the experience, other than I was there and I seemed to be there for quite a while.  For those who do not know, I was born in Italy…   I will leave it to you to infer what the possible meanings of these two dreams may be, however, I can say for certain that my spirits are much higher having had this second dream… Life continues….

The third event/action was around my obsession around tying up loose ends as I was off work.  The initial drive was to list out all the things that I normally did not have time to do around the house, with family, friends, etc and personal goals that I thought I could achieve while I was off and doable based on the status of my health through the treatment plan.  I had a vision of tying up as many loose ends as possible before I returned to work (again always the project manager/planner and besides I like getting things done for the sense of accomplishment and moving onto the next thing!).  While I did, in fact, complete many things on my list, I realized that not all things would get done.  I had many moments of panic around this as I felt that I was not being efficient and I was fretted about what would happen if I did not get to them before I went back to work (or worse).  As time went on many things became less important, many things got done in a fluid manner and some things manifested into more meaningful actions than the ones I anticipated (eg. Replacing the kitchen faucet has manifested into the renovation of our kitchen to a dream kitchen that both Todd and are working on together in a joyous way as partners;  Todd was invited to Spain for conference after a number of years of rebranding his skills; the boys are happy and generally content because I am around, etc, etc, etc.).  .  Some of the things I have accomplished:

·         Completed and started more than 5 key projects around the house

·         Crocheted 14 projects (mostly blankets for friends and family

·         Visited friends that I don’t always get a chance to visit

·         Organized, participated and supported events to give back to Breast Cancer and Cancer research and awareness

·         Gave myself permission and time to focus on mindfulness, rehabilitation to prepare for a renewed life of fitness and improvements to my diet and the diet of my family

·         Helped my Mom through her cancer journey

·         Got through chemo, infections and radiation

All these things have fed my need to accomplish and finish things so that I can move on, however, as some things could not be finished, I have achieved a kind of peace with this as having “loose ends” to look forward to completing helps keep me motivated for future possibilities and keeps me away from darker thoughts.  So the crocheted artwork that I started that was meant to incorporate many loose ends of wool together is on the shelf for now as I want to keep some loose ends unfinished for the time being and maybe for always.  Not everything is better finished with a perfect bow on it.

So on this eve of returning work and normal life I have a sense of excitement for new beginnings, starting over, a kind of rebirth, fresh start, second chance, renewal and Getting Back to the Start (yes lyrics to another Coldplay song – the Scientist).  The words from the Lord of the Rings saga also resonate:

There and back again a Hobbit’s Tale aka a Breast Cancer Tale by Carmela Thomson-Cancerbabe:o)

THE HARDEST PART:

One song that has been beating in my mind this whole year is the “Hardest Part” by (of course) Coldplay:

The Hardest Part lyrics

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the cloudsOh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

Remember…

There is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS a silver lining and …. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS something to be thankful for.

Carmela

PS I will give you a rundown of Post Chemo experiences and the hair thing on the next post.