June 28, 2012 Beginning of Round #8…the FINAL ROUND!!!

June 28, 2012 Beginning of Round #8…the FINAL ROUND!!!

So this is it, my last round of Chemo!  It is now here and it seems very exciting and surreal at the same time.

This morning I was greeted by a new nurse whose names is Shelley.  We went through the normal how-do-you-do and how-have-you-been-doing formalities.  At first Shelley seemed distant and aloof, but as we got into it, she really warmed up and was very knowledgeable.  She seemed to really listen to the good and the bad that I felt from the last treatment and gave some good insight on what to expect after this last round of chemo.  As I started describing my concerns about the discomfort I have been feeling with my upper arm and armpit and as we discussed options and next steps, I was surprised with how emotional I started to feel.  It started with Shelley overtly talking about how my attention will now move to managing the next stage of treatment for my left breast and that my mind will move toward getting back to a normal life.  Although I have been ruminating on these topics for some time with additional attention over the last few weeks as I have been meeting with my medical oncologist, radiation oncologist and plastic surgeon, actually going through the thought process live at my final chemo treatment made the topic that much more poignant. 

As we talked, Shelley suggested that I would be a good candidate to advocate for Breast Cancer and potentially participate in the Cancer Buddy program.  This reinforced my already maturing passion around these topics and helped to calm my emotions through rational and grounding thoughts of how I might contribute/give back to others that have or will be going through their Breast Cancer journeys.

One bit of happy news from Shelley was that hair tends start growing back within about 6 six from the last chemo treatment – this really lifted my spirits.  Although getting back a full head of hair will take some months, at least the beginning of my mane will start soon.  Todd is already getting ready to compete on who’s hair will grow back quicker once mine starts to really show signs of consistent growth – care to lay a bet?:o)

After 5 hours in the chemo chair and only a little reaction to the pre-medication (steroids and Benedryl), my last session was over. There were no cheers, hoorays or pat on the back.  I was just free to go.  I gave a quick hug to Shelley and was on my way.  While I initially felt this was anti-climatic, I quickly appreciated the power of the subtle release that I felt as I left the Cancer centre.  I noted that there were other women there as I left that were at various staged of treatment (you generally get to know who has what and what chemo stage they are in based on discussions or the length of their hair – or lack thereof).  Today there seemed to be a few that were in the middle or near the end of their journey while one lady in particular was getting her first treatment and orientation – she was well rested, looked nervous and had a beautiful head of hair (for now of course):o)  Although I will need to come to the chemo room for another 13 treatments of Herceptin, the experience will be much different.  I will only need to be “in the chair” for about hour each time and there are no significant side effects that I will need to worry about (other than having my heart checked every three months via a MUGA scan:

The MUGA scan (MUltiple Gated Acquisition scan) is an extremely useful noninvasive tool for assessing the function of the heart. The MUGA scan produces a moving image of the beating heart, and from this image several important features can be determined about the health of the cardiac ventricles (the heart’s major pumping chambers)).

Playing out the Next Steps:

Based on the discussions with my oncologists and plastic surgeon these are what seem to be the next steps after Chemo – wow!!:

1.     June 28 – July 18 (3 weeks): Recovery from last chemo treatment

2.     July 19, 2012 – April 2013 (13 treatments every three weeks): Herceptin injections to save my life.  Without this antibody, the chances of a recurrence for me would be pretty high.  With Herceptin, my chances are back to an even playing field based on the chemo, radiation  and hormone therapy regime that has been assigned for my cancer.

3.     July 2012 – July 2018 (5 years): Hormone therapy – my cancer is Estrogen and Progesterone positive, so I will benefit from Hormone therapy which will positively contribute to reducing my chances of recurrence and morality.

4.     July 23 – August 17 (4 weeks): Tissue expansion

5.     August 13: Hair might start growing back:o)

6.     August 20 -  24: Preparation for radiation – CT scan, etc

7.     September 4 – October 12 approx. (5.5 weeks): Radiation daily expect weekends and holidays

8.     TBD: Recovery from Radiation

9.     TBD: Return to work – perhaps starting in November based on recovery time and what is reasonable for TELUS.

10.  April 2013 (TBD) – Removal of my Power Port (might be removed post reconstructive surgery – will need to confirm

11.  April 2013 (minimum 6 Months post radiation): Final reconstructive surgery – April 2013 at the earliest in order for skin and body to recover enough to handle surgery.

My chemo journey started on January 11^th with my bumpy, bumpy infection ride starting on January 20^th, has now ended on a much more positive note as of June 28^th.  All the treatments after the first one have proceeded without any remarkable events. Of course I will need to get through the next three weeks of normal recovery time, however, I am confident that I will move through this window of time with relative ease.

What a ride it has been so far.  So until the next post, thanks for everything and there is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS something to be thankful for.  I am thankful to be putting the chemo ride behind me.

My Best,

Carmela

June 27, 2012 End of Round #7 of 8…and the Winner is…

June 27, 2012 End of Round #7 of 8…and the Winner is…

Carmela, Cancer Babe - again the TOTALLY undisputed winner of round #7!!!

Running score:

Carmela Cancer Babe – 6 Rounds

Chemo demons and its friends – 1 Round

Yet another mostly uneventful, unremarkable and normal round:o)

It is a wonderful sunny morning, one of the few we have been getting this spring and early into summer.  I am into my “Dr. Banner” mode after my “Incredible Hulk” phase of my three week chemo cycle – that is, I feel various shades of shitty for about the first week after a chemo treatment, with some residual shittyness in the second week and then feel quite normal in the last week just before I get hit again.  Although this is not the most wonderful cycle to be in (see my previous post), I am generally pretty productive around the house, with my family and friends most of the time.  My brain might not always be there, but Ima still livi’n.  The great thing about this post is that I am heading into my last chemo treatment where this every three week roller coaster ride will be over!  Of course I will be entering into a bumper boat ride with upcoming events, but it can only get better after this stuff!

So until the next post:

Chemo demons and your friends you can kiss my arse AND eat my grits … AGAIN!

Onto round #8….

What planet am I on anyway …

What planet am I on anyway …

If you indulge me a bit of darkness, I promise to end with something positive.

Ok, Ok, Ok, so it’s not all perfume and roses and I am not in a constant positive state – so shoot me, I’m human.  And while I might be human, I don’t always know what planet I am on these days.  On what planet can it be that both my Mom and I can both go from being pretty healthy human beings to having to succumb to a variety of pretty invasive procedures and drugs?  On what planet would I have to put my family and everyone around me through this shit?  I can wake up most days and feel lucky to have some the best care and support possible, but there are those few days (and really they are few) where this whole “joy ride” is absolutely surreal and insufferable.  I can be telling someone about my progress and how things are going, about how my Mom is doing but feel like I am speaking out of body – like who’s life am I describing anyway?

After all, was it not only a few months back that I had finally left behind and put behind me one of the most challenging periods of my career and personal life?  Was I not finally back at a good state of physical fitness and moving to even better places of mental and physical well being?  Was my career not back on track with renewed and positive support – the positive trajectory that I have been capable of a number of other times in my career? Was I not living my desire to give back to my female peers and starting down the path to giving back to my community?  Was I not getting my personal life and emotions back in order to a place where there was renewed joy, love and understanding?  Was I not getting better at being there for my boys, my family and my friends?

Fuck it, this is not the planet I was destined to be on.

I am pretty sick of my Gollum-like/holocaust/a-sexual cancer look these days (no offence to my fellow cancer buddies as I am generally proud to mostly be a positive and strong visual role model, but this is after all a venting).  I am sick of being deformed, disfigured and uncomfortable due to the breast surgery.  I am pissed that I will need to have to watch and manage the lymphatic flow in my left arm for the rest of my life now that I am less 17 lymph nodes– the last two weeks have brought some renewed numbness and inflammation in my upper arm and underarm that has me uncomfortable and worried about Lymphedema and other complications.  Shit, after a number of years of personal re-hab, I was finally able to take the challenge of boot camp, running for long lengths of time and a bunch of other heavier/regular physical activity prior to this. Now I have to balance working my arm and not carrying anything too heavy or getting an infection through a bite or wound on my left arm FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE to mitigate getting Lymphedema and potential infections/complications that can come with it!!!  Add to this my chemical-induced menopause, all the “flashing” and other interesting side effects that go with it.  To boot I have gained the 10 or so pounds that I feverishly lost over the last few years – I know I will lose the weight again, but this Groundhog Day stuff really sucks! I feel sooo sexy – NOT!

I am just TIRED, this whole thing takes so fucking long.  Who the hell would want to keep thinking and talking about this month after month – I certainly don’t want to. I feel lately that this cancer shit is so part of me that it just blends into everything I do and everyone’s thought process around me.  I really hate this.  I am tired and generally fatigued by this whole thing.  I am sure this is fatiguing for everyone around me as well.

While so many positives have come my way I just want to decouple myself from this cancer black cloud and move on.  Besides, 95% of my brain knows that I don’t have cancer anymore, however, the chemical and other invasive procedures are not over yet – damn it!  Unfortunately, there is 5% of my brain that is scared shitless that I will need to manage other side effects ongoing, the cancer could come back or my life may be cut short without being able to fulfill the basics and more with my boys. 

Such is the planet of Cancer and its demon friends, not the planet I believed I was living in.

Now back to our normally positive and regularly scheduled program….

Whether you like it or not, at least I have this blog to chronicle my road and to vent from time to time.  Very therapeutic I must say. 

While I am human, I do know a thing or two about how to manage change and I also know that I am not immune to the change cycle and the proverbial “well(s) of despair”.  What I also know is that there is always a bright and often euphoric light after these darker times.  To suppress, ignore or bypass these stages is folly, but to over indulge or succumb to these darker moments is much worse. I don’t stay in this dark space for any length of time on any given day, but the thoughts and feelings do linger in the background.  While the saying may be cliché, “What doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger”!

Again, with a little help from friends, I am and will continue to be alright.

Thanks for the brief indulgence into the “dark side”.

PS: My apologies for the colorful superlatives that I don’t usually include in my musings.

With a little help from my friends: building a story of love, strength and support …

With a little help from my friends: building a story of love, strength and support …

Warning: This is a long and sappy post…

I hope by now you know that I am not in this alone.  The opposite is true.  I am so surrounded by love, support and strength that I don’t always know what to do with it.  My cup overfloweth in a big way!

While long overdue, this blog post is dedicated to:

My amazing husband, kids, Mother(s), Father, sister(s), aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors, colleagues and the many and various professionals supporting me (all in-laws included in the brackets).  Without everyone on my side, this road and the many varied journeys along the way would not be tolerable and would generally be insufferable.

Parents: First and foremost, I would not be managing nearly as well as I am without my family and their unconditional love.  I would say that this road is the hardest on my family with piqued sadness and fear from my Mom, Mother-in-Law and Dad.  I know that I am always in their thoughts and I wish I could take away all the pain this is causing them as it is hard for them to watch from the sidelines and not be able to help in a manner that is meaningful to them.

My Boys: Todd and my boys (Graeme and Iain) are my champs and are really making sure normal life continues (sometimes they try to hard to make things normal:o)).   There is too much to say about their love and support – I don’t always have the words to express what is required when it comes to my boys.  However, I do know that I never, in a million years, would have wanted to burden them with this turn in our road.  A mother should never have to put her children through this, however, my boys are rocks and I hope that they will see all the positives that have come our way by having to go through this together.  I had a great “car discussion” with Iain one night where I stressed it is most important that we never give up no matter how hard things seem to be.  We were not talking about cancer at the time, but I hope my boys see that I am not giving up and that they should not give up when things get tough.

My Sister Cancer Babe, communicating, writing and blogging: As I needed an outlet to communicate my progress without clogging up everyone’s email and avoiding being on the phone talking about cancer all the time, Carissa came to my rescue (with some friendly coaxing from Shirley and Kathy to connect me with Carissa).  Carissa is a sister cancer babe and TELUS colleague with a profession if communications.  She generously encouraged me and showed me how to set up a Blog to scribe my progress and my musings.  While this outlet is not for everyone in my support network, it has been therapeutic for me and has indulged my real or imagined long-standing desire to try my hand at writing in some form or another. My grade 10 English teacher, Mr. Huxtable, tried to encourage me to write as he saw something in me in this regard.  I was, of course flattered, but did as a 16 year old would.  I was lazy and averted my attention to more immediately attractive and gratifying endeavors – what they were, I cannot now recall.  Along this line, as I have embarked on this part of my road, I have realized that we have very much lost the art of writing and communicating in some meaningful detail to people that are close or meaningful to us. So if these entries have helped you keep up to date with my progress, have entertained you in any way or if I am the only viewer of this blog, it has served its purpose.  To experience a much more refined and profound blog, you may be interested in Carissa’s blogs that have chronicled her cancer journey and insightful perspectives:

http://www.wiifmcancer.blogspot.ca/

http://mybodmytemple.blogspot.ca/

My sister(s):  This includes my sister Maria and sister-in-laws Tanya and Heather.

Maria continuously supports me by gently providing me with meaningful and safe ways to stay physically strong based on her strong professional knowledge (Maria is a kinesiologist and personal trainer by profession).  This includes temporarily donating a stationary bike to me and letting me borrow Nordic walking poles.  These walking poles are absolutely great, I highly recommend them. They are becoming known for helping to recover arm mobility after breast surgery and potential issues with Lymphedema – see the following web site as one example and for further information:

http://breastcancer.about.com/od/lifeaftertreatment/ss/arm-lymphedema-exercises_8.htm

Maria has also supported my journey, and that of others suffering from cancer, through her fundraising efforts by braving the Enbridge Ride to Conquer Cancer.  Maria was one of 3011 bike riders and raised over $2700 toward the $11.2 million dollars raised at the 2012 June 16/17 ride – very nicely done Maria!

Maria’s expertise can also be viewed through her professional web site: Form, Function, Fitness:

http://www.formfunctionandfitness.com/

My sisters-in-law, Tanya (and Steve) and Heather, have been nothing but supportive even though distance separates us from across BC and across Canada to Toronto.  Their loving words, thoughts, prayers and gifts have meant a great deal to Todd and I. 

Extended Family, Friends, Neighbors and Colleagues:

I think this journey on my new road can be harder on my extended family (brothers, sister(s), cousins, aunts and uncles), friends, neighbors and colleagues as we are dealing with a lengthy timeframe with twists and turns, potential risks and some aspects that have no definable ending.  I know that cancer is generally a scary thought for most and is difficult to deal with as an outsider at the best of times.  My challenge has been that I want to be as normal a possible and have wanted to be as self sufficient as possible.  So my main message to everyone that has been so caring is to be comforted that I have not had to be overly needy so far.  Knowing that I have so many people I could go to if needed and knowing that I have everyone’s thoughts and support is the most meaningful gift anyone can give me. I can’t really believe how much love and compassion I have received from everyone – and this is enough for me.  I know some of the feelings including not knowing what you can do and that everyone I am connected to has needed their own way of dealing or not dealing with what I and my family are going through – all feelings and actions are good in my books.  As the saying goes: “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina….”.  I am in a good place and want everyone to be there with me.

As well as everyone’s love and compassion, I am thankful for those of you that have generously sent flowers, fruit baskets, meals, cards, emails, donations, invited me to neighborhood mom’s clubs/dinners/coffees, been my walking buddies, invited me to your book club, provided professional/colleague support, and on and on...  I am looking forward to finding various ways to thank everyone for your kindness up to now and as I continue to wrap up this part of my cancer journey.

My professional support team:

Well this is team is huge if I start to think about all the doctors, nurses, paramedical support, medical support team members, hospital facilities and staff, etc, etc, etc.  It continuously blows me away at how much support we get and take for granted in BC and in Canada.  As I have indicated in previous posts, the hard and soft costs for everything that I have and will continue to require would add up to more than I could afford in the short term.  We are very fortunate to live where live given all the significant need in the world today.

In general, I have to say that all the medical attention I have received has been mostly positive.  There are two services that I would like to call attention to for this post:

1.      BC Cancer Agency – support programs:  Mindfulness Meditation 

One of the services that is provided free to Cancer patients and, I believe to be excellent in initiating a path to thoughtful healing, is their Mindfulness Mediation course.  This course is provided in a safe environment, provides a venue to learn and practice mindfulness meditation as well as providing excellent take home materials that enable attendees to continue to learn and practice mindfulness meditation concepts at home.  While there are many things that can be considered on the path to healthier living, this was an excellent place to start for me.  There is still much I will explore with respect to nutrition, fitness and mindfulness options, however, I will take a path that is manageable for me – I don’t believe that getting overwhelmed with the plethora of ways to thoughtful healing is in fact healthy.  One must do what is best for oneself, not what others think is best.  If I can give any advice to anyone that cares, please be good to yourself – life is too short to do anything less. 

A NOTE:  In conjunction to this Mindfulness Mediation, I have found restorative yoga, Palates and now Tai Chi (I can tell this story to anyone who is willing to listen another time – very funny and nice way to start this activity for sure! – thanks Maria!) to be very complimentary activities.  Some of the common threads across these activities is learning how to BREATHE, meditation, and engaging in these activities in a mindfulness manner (including loving yourself and being good to yourself mentally and physically).  Good things no matter where you are in life’s journey.  I now just need to fit all this in with normal life and my desire for more active physical activities like walking/hiking, cycling, running, swimming, etc (as I become capable of these activities again).  All this will come together as it should in time.

2.      Specialized Physiotherapy:

One of my heroes in this journey whom I have not mentioned enough is Janet S. who has been providing me with specialized physiotherapy treatments specific to post breast surgery needs.  While being just a normal and caring human being with some ties to my great neighborhood, Janet’s specialized skills have been a godsend for my specific needs post surgery.  Janet has brought me from regular treatments with limited mobility in my arm post surgery and post infection (that includes the weird and wonderful lymphatic cording that some of us cancer babes get post surgery) to close to full mobility and strength with only sporadic treatments as I need them (I call these appointment “lube jobs” as Janet’s techniques help improve the lymphatic flow in arm through specialized messaging techniques – I highly recommend this type of physiotherapy treatment for anyone that has lymph nodes removed through breast surgery due to breast cancer).

I will include “With a little help from my friends” in future posts as this only touches the surface of all the great things I have received from you all so far.  In the meantime, my question to myself is: will I be as giving to others as they have been to me in the future as we are all bound to have significant turns in our roads to deal with – I am not special or unique when it comes to life’s twists and turns.  I hope that I can give the same time, strength and compassion to all those I know now and in the future especially when life gets busy again as I re-enter “normal” life in the coming months.  I know through the support I have received, there is a world full of love and compassion that we are lucky to be part of if we only take the time to appreciate it and tap into it.

For now, I am dreaming of the future and have many hopes and dreams for myself and my family with a little help from my friends…..

A few lyrics apropo to the theme of this post:

"What would you do if I sang out of tune (for those that know me well, I definitely sing out of tune:o)),
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key (well that might be impossible for me:o)).
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm,I get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love....

<....>

Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,
Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Ooh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends"

You've Got A Friend - James Taylor:

When your down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name,
And you know where ever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again.
Winter, spring , summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.
If the sky above you
should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, Spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.
You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter Spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

June 7, 2012 Beginning of Round #7

June 7, 2012 Beginning of Round #7 of 8

7 Down and ONE left to go…need I say more…

See you on the next post…

June 6, 2012 End of Round #6 of 8…and the Winner is…

Carmela, Cancer Babe - again the TOTALLY undisputed winner of round #6!!!

Running score:

Carmela Cancer Babe – 5 Rounds

Chemo demons and its friends – 1 Round

Yet another uneventful, unremarkable and normal round:o)

I decided not to be a martyr this time and listened to my Oncologist (Dr. O).  He knows I really don’t like to take pills and medicine if I don’t have to.   However, taking the prescribed Gabapentin really did help minimize the annoying aches and pains that the Taxol tends to bring.  This time, instead of the 5-7 days of aches, pains, restlessness and interrupted sleep, I really only experienced two days of this stuff.   I guess it can be beneficial to listen to one’s doctor.

Other than these two days of very manageable side effects, the rest of the three weeks I felt quite normal, energetic and had relatively restful sleep.  With this energy I was able to plan, support and execute on the fabulously successful TELUS Day of Service Pink Ribbon Tying event dedicated to Sharon North (full story on my previous post), went on many long walks and hikes either on my own, with Angela or others in the neighborhood, went on a number of lunches and dinners with the Moms “in the hood” and others, did stuff with the boys and got some stuff done around the house.  I took a chance and travelled to Power River to visit my good friend Laurie from University for an overnight stay.  The trip up and back was awesome and very relaxing with two ferry rides (each way) and a relaxing amount of driving listening to music and practicing my mindfulness breathing techniques that I have been learning recently.  The time with Laurie and her family was great as we only get to see each other once or twice a year.  I do miss Laurie, Gillian, Paul, Lena, and many other friends given distance, busy lives and just stuff that gets in the way.  So, again, there are many positives that have come to my door with this new road that I am on.

The other big thing that we were able to accomplish was to get the stairs finished in the entrance way of our house.  As many know, the Thomson house is under a constant state of renovations and unfinished projects, so this was a significant (to say the least) accomplishment.  I am hoping to have the entrance way repainted to give it that further finished look that I constantly earn for.  My husband does not seem to have the same burning platform as me for some reason - good thing he has earned muchos brownie points with his amazing support with this journey that we are on:o))

If I am really lucky, we may even finish our laundry room so that we have a second bathroom and more storage room – I don’t ask for much really:o)

With all these good things that have filled my days, I can’t really complain about my current situation.  Besides, as Dr. O said today, the goal of my treatment plan is to cure my body of Breast Cancer, so anything that happens over and above this is very excellent gravy….

I am hoping to add a few posts in between chemo rounds that provide additional color to my new road and may be of some entertainment value to you as well.

So until the next post and/or the next round:

Chemo demons you can kiss my arse AND eat my grits … AGAIN!

Onto round #7….